The human body has 7 trillion nerves.My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Knock knock.Who's there?"Doorbell repair man"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a **** on it-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.They're brilliant.It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.I was so shocked I almost tripped over my ****.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Love is like a fart.If you have to force it, it's probably ****.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Life is like a penis.Soft and hanging freely.It's women that make it hard-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.She said, "Have you got a nickname?""Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge""OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper""Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"That spider never knew what f******g hit it.-----------------------------------------------------------------------The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England .-----------------------------------------------------------------------------The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.
